Hating how I feel.

The past year has been one of struggle and depression. I have just been feeling completely out of sorts.  I have always loved my job despite all the challenges it holds, but this year even that has been a struggle.

I have really been struggling to get any form of optimism going about my life in general. Don't get me wrong, I know I have much to be grateful for, but I just can't seem to get myself to feel that way.

Here is to me hoping that this will change.

Not feeling good enough.

People say its me not you, or that I am just not ready yet. However, it is extremely hard to believe this when over and over again the person on the other end of that conversation moves on to someone else. So you were not ready to be with me, but you are ready to be with someone els? It is hard not to take it as a personal insult, especially if said person continues to talk to you and then just randomly goes dark, only for you to accidently discover via facebook no less that they are seeing someone else.

How can I not take it personally? I always seem to be the side piece, just incase etc. When will someone see me for what I am? The amazing, loving caring person with the big heart.  I am tired of not being seen as special or just the friend. I am pretty darn amazing and I deserve someone who will see this is me. I deserve someone who will come looking and chasing after me.

When this will happen I don't know, but I am done asking for the love of a good man when I am deserving of it. I am in fact demanding it.

Unwanted feelings

Okay, I am back.

As stated earlier. I am done, but my heart does not want to listen. What am I now to do with these feelings? Yes, they are still there despite my best efforts to throw them in the deepest, darkest pit and forget them.

You see my heart is stubborn and wants what it wants. Super frustrating. I still wont say that I love this guy, I have simply not known him long enough. It's more like I am obsessed with him, which is much worse!

He has been a great friend through probably one of the worst times of my life and I might have become more attached to him that even I realised at the time. I really value his friendship, but as stated in one of my previous posts, I screwed it all up. We barely speak anymore, if you can even call a matter of fact message once a week speaking.

How am I going to fix this? I don't want to lose the friendship of probably one of the best guys I know.

I don't want to broach the subject with him as I am too scared to lose the little contact I still have with him.

Okay, so I have been lying to myself, I am not done. How can I be when I so desperately still want to hear from him? Arghhhhh! This is so frustrating!

I know, I know! Pathetic! How can I be so insecure and dependent on  a guy that is according to his own words 'scared'. I do not have time for scared. You either like me or you don't. You want me or you don't. Live is messy, love is messy and being scared is usually a good indication that whatever your getting into is probably a good thing, because that is usually when we get scared.

If I can have the metaphorical balls to get over my countless fears related to getting involved with someone, why can't he do the same?

Oh, darn it! It seems I will just have to learn to live with it. Wish me luck.😉💗

not being a floormat.

I cannot understand why I am unable to find someone who cares as much as I do. I cannot understand why I seem to fall so unexplainably for someone who cannot give to me the same affection.

 

Do I not deserve to be loved as much as I love others? I always give others all of me, all of my heart. All I want is for my love to be returned in equal measure. Is that too much to ask for?

Is it so easy to disregard my feelings, to throw them to one side and to forget them? Why does it seem that everything and everybody is more important than I am?

 

I am done. I want someone who deserves my love and wont underestimate its value.

Doing the wrong thing at the wrong time.

SHIT! I think last night I screwed up an not just a little, but royally. I told him everyting! I know, I know, it is too soon. I know this thing, whatever it is, might still be too new to handle this, but before​ I knew it, I had said it.

Of course, he was a complete and utter gentleman about it. Saying that it is not that I had said something wrong, but that it was a lot to digest. I totally understand that, but it doesn't lessen my own turmoil at the confession. I have only once in my life allowed myself to be this vulnerable and it did not end well. He rejected me and I built a wall so thick and high around my heart that I thought it was impenetrable.

All I can do now is wait to see how he will respond. That and pray that somehow I will leave this with my heart intact. However, if he is going to reject me too, I somehow doubt that is going to happen.

SHIT! What have I done?

Your eyes

I have question for you. It's been bothering since you left me behind to return to your life. Yes, left. Left my in uncertainty, you left my life upside down. You left me not knowing what to do with this ache in my chest that started the moment you climbed in your bakkie to return home.

You say I am fast and that you are slow. But my question is: Do your eyes know that you are slow? Do you know that your lips say you are slow, but that your eyes say the complete opposite? Do you know that your eyes tell me that I'll be safe with you and that I can trust you? 

When I raise my concerns you laugh at me. This scares me, it makes me feel like a small child sitting in a dark room waiting for the monsters to come.  Do you know how fragile my heart is? Can you take care not leave a crack in it's fine porcelain surface.

I have spent years building my walls. I fortified my heart, because I do not want the hurt. Do you know that without even trying you somehow found a way in? You penetrated my defenses despite my best attempts to keep you out.  I do NOT want this! I want to be able to protect my heart from the hurt, but I find that I no longer hold it, you do.

So mister, find out what you need to know. But I beg of you not to give me that look of yours with its unspoken promises. Not until your lips and eyes speak the same language and you know exactly what you want.

Until then take care of my heart.

Being comfy

This weekend started very stressful. I did something I had never done before... I invited a man to sleep over at my house. Not sleep over as in sex, but a weekend visit for just the two of us.

I invited him... I still cannot believe it. It feels so wrong, but I like him. Therefore, I gathered all my nerve and popped the question before I could talk myself out of it. I spent the entire day waiting for a response. One slow passing, agonizing day. 

That evening after he read it, he drove me insane. Talking around the question, I felt like strangling him. Eventually I dragged an answer out of him. He was coming. I didn't know whether I should be relieved or even more nervous.

I ended up sleeping very badly during Friday night. I anxiously await his arrival on Saturday, but as luck would have it. He was delayed multiple times only arriving at my house late the Saturday afternoon.

I did not really know what to expect, but fortunately we had a lovely time. I feel so comfortable with him. We spent the afternoon chatting and eventually made our way to Paternoster, where we ate at a lovely pizzeria. It feels like I have known him forever. I feel like I can share anything with him.

After finishing at the restaurant we made our way down Paternoster's beach.  We talked about music and our hobbies. We sat looking out over the ocean and looked at the star. Then we returned to my home to watch movies until midnight. It was marvelous.

He slept in while I was up early. I showered, made myself coffee and got comfy on the couch. I ended up drifting off and was woken by hm tickling my feet. The  conversation picked up and we talked some much that we were too late to have breakfast at a restaurant like we had planned on doing the previous evening. I, therefore, made fritada and toast. We then ended up right back on the couch to watch yet another movie. 

It was just such a comfortable day and I ended up falling asleep with my head on his lap. The dastardly joker that he is he let me sleep a while only to wake me by bothering me until I woke up. I was totally mortified, while he sat with laughter in his eyes. The day seems to have rushed past too fast and before I knew what happened it was over.

I really hope he'll come visit me again really soon.😄