not being a floormat.

I cannot understand why I am unable to find someone who cares as much as I do. I cannot understand why I seem to fall so unexplainably for someone who cannot give to me the same affection.

 

Do I not deserve to be loved as much as I love others? I always give others all of me, all of my heart. All I want is for my love to be returned in equal measure. Is that too much to ask for?

Is it so easy to disregard my feelings, to throw them to one side and to forget them? Why does it seem that everything and everybody is more important than I am?

 

I am done. I want someone who deserves my love and wont underestimate its value.

Doing the wrong thing at the wrong time.

SHIT! I think last night I screwed up an not just a little, but royally. I told him everyting! I know, I know, it is too soon. I know this thing, whatever it is, might still be too new to handle this, but before​ I knew it, I had said it.

Of course, he was a complete and utter gentleman about it. Saying that it is not that I had said something wrong, but that it was a lot to digest. I totally understand that, but it doesn't lessen my own turmoil at the confession. I have only once in my life allowed myself to be this vulnerable and it did not end well. He rejected me and I built a wall so thick and high around my heart that I thought it was impenetrable.

All I can do now is wait to see how he will respond. That and pray that somehow I will leave this with my heart intact. However, if he is going to reject me too, I somehow doubt that is going to happen.

SHIT! What have I done?

Your eyes

I have question for you. It's been bothering since you left me behind to return to your life. Yes, left. Left my in uncertainty, you left my life upside down. You left me not knowing what to do with this ache in my chest that started the moment you climbed in your bakkie to return home.

You say I am fast and that you are slow. But my question is: Do your eyes know that you are slow? Do you know that your lips say you are slow, but that your eyes say the complete opposite? Do you know that your eyes tell me that I'll be safe with you and that I can trust you? 

When I raise my concerns you laugh at me. This scares me, it makes me feel like a small child sitting in a dark room waiting for the monsters to come.  Do you know how fragile my heart is? Can you take care not leave a crack in it's fine porcelain surface.

I have spent years building my walls. I fortified my heart, because I do not want the hurt. Do you know that without even trying you somehow found a way in? You penetrated my defenses despite my best attempts to keep you out.  I do NOT want this! I want to be able to protect my heart from the hurt, but I find that I no longer hold it, you do.

So mister, find out what you need to know. But I beg of you not to give me that look of yours with its unspoken promises. Not until your lips and eyes speak the same language and you know exactly what you want.

Until then take care of my heart.

Being comfy

This weekend started very stressful. I did something I had never done before... I invited a man to sleep over at my house. Not sleep over as in sex, but a weekend visit for just the two of us.

I invited him... I still cannot believe it. It feels so wrong, but I like him. Therefore, I gathered all my nerve and popped the question before I could talk myself out of it. I spent the entire day waiting for a response. One slow passing, agonizing day. 

That evening after he read it, he drove me insane. Talking around the question, I felt like strangling him. Eventually I dragged an answer out of him. He was coming. I didn't know whether I should be relieved or even more nervous.

I ended up sleeping very badly during Friday night. I anxiously await his arrival on Saturday, but as luck would have it. He was delayed multiple times only arriving at my house late the Saturday afternoon.

I did not really know what to expect, but fortunately we had a lovely time. I feel so comfortable with him. We spent the afternoon chatting and eventually made our way to Paternoster, where we ate at a lovely pizzeria. It feels like I have known him forever. I feel like I can share anything with him.

After finishing at the restaurant we made our way down Paternoster's beach.  We talked about music and our hobbies. We sat looking out over the ocean and looked at the star. Then we returned to my home to watch movies until midnight. It was marvelous.

He slept in while I was up early. I showered, made myself coffee and got comfy on the couch. I ended up drifting off and was woken by hm tickling my feet. The  conversation picked up and we talked some much that we were too late to have breakfast at a restaurant like we had planned on doing the previous evening. I, therefore, made fritada and toast. We then ended up right back on the couch to watch yet another movie. 

It was just such a comfortable day and I ended up falling asleep with my head on his lap. The dastardly joker that he is he let me sleep a while only to wake me by bothering me until I woke up. I was totally mortified, while he sat with laughter in his eyes. The day seems to have rushed past too fast and before I knew what happened it was over.

I really hope he'll come visit me again really soon.😄